Attack Of The Killer Dick
by Purple Dildoes
Summary: All Cartman wants is lots of sex with Kyle. But his dick doesn't. Rated M for obvious reasons
1. Chapter 1

"Meet me in room 582"

Kyle sighed at the text from Cartman. They were staying at a hotel for the weekend because of some stupid school trip, and since they arrived on Friday, Cartman had been wanting sex morning, noon, and night. Kyle didn't mind it at first; Cartman had become hot over the years. Plus his dick was AMAZING. Unfortunately, the pain in his ass was not. But it was what Cartman wanted, and what Cartman wanted, Kyle had to provide. It would be far less awkward if they didn't have sex with Kenny and Stan in the room with them, but that was one of Cartman's kinks, and, again, Kyle dealt with it.

Once again, Kyle walked to the room and let himself in. Cartman immediately grabbed him, shoving off his pants and pulling him onto the bed while kissing him roughly. The room was dark, but Kyle could tell that Cartman was already completely naked-and hard as a rock.

Kyle kissed Cartman back, letting out a soft moan. Cartman pulled away, and Kyle rolled onto his stomach as his boyfriend got the lube. He could practically hear the sound of Cartman's throbbing cock.

Before the pleasurable pain of Cartman's dick in his ass came, Kyle heard a screaming. He shot up and turned on a light. He saw Cartman holding a hand over his crotch, and what looked like a dildo on the ground next to him. But this was much too realistic to be a dildo...

"MY DICK. MY DICK FELL OFF!" Cartman shouted. "WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?"

"HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? DO I LOOK LIKE A DICK DOCTOR TO YOU?" Kyle shouted back. He jumped off the bed and went to pick up the disembodied penis. Before he could, however, the dick jumped up, using the balls as feet. It had eyes and a small mouth.

"YOU BITCH! I DON'T WANNA GO INTO THAT ASS! I NEED SOME VARIETY!" The dick said, slapping Cartman in the face.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Cartman shouted, jumping up on the bed.

Kenny and Stan rushed into the bedroom at the sound of the yelling. Kenny opened his mouth to talk, but before he could, the dick jumped up and landed in Kenny's mouth. It went down his throat, closing off the air.

"OH GOD KENNY'S GIVING ME A BLOWJOB!" Cartman said in absolute disgust.

"DUDE! Don't let my boyfriend give you a blowjob!" Stan said. He rushed to Kenny and started trying to give him CPR, but it was no use. Kenny's face was blue and he was dead.

The dick crawled out of Kenny's throat, smirking at it's handiwork.

Stan grabbed the dick by the length, squeezing where the neck would be if the dick was a human.

"YOU KILLED KENNY!" Kyle screamed at the dick.

"YOU BASTARD!" Stan screamed at the dick.

"Do I look like I give a flying fuck?" The dick said all sassily before it bit Stan. Through the bite, the dick released a special kind of sperm that was poisonous, and Stan quickly collapsed to the floor.

"HAHA SUCKERS!" The dick shouted as it grew a pair of wings and flew out the door.

Cartman and Kyle redressed and ran after the dick to make sure it didn't kill any more of their friends. They heard a scream coming from the lobby and headed there.

"Goddamit, Cartman, can't you control your dick at all?" Kyle asked as they ran, referring to both the dick's sudden homicidal actions and to the fact that Cartman was often too horny.

"Shut up, Jew!" Cartman said.

"Fatass!" Kyle said.

They got to the lobby, and saw a scene of pure chaos. There was a broken fish tank, a bunch of dead fish, and corpses that looked like they had been choked to death or torn in half lying all around. The dick was trying to land itself in someone's ass, and it was covered in what Cartman and Kyle assumed was ass blood. The dick landed in the person's ass, and split the person in two.

"DAMN IT!" Cartman said as he tried to catch his dick.

"Wait!" Kyle said as he ran to the little area of the hotel with vending machines and ice machines. He filled up a bucket with ice, and then went to the dick. He threw the bucket of ice at the dick, and it immediately deflated and fell to the ground. It's eyes and mouth were gone, and it was just a normal dick.

Cartman picked it up, and reattached it. "Well... That's that." He said as he put his pants back on.

"It's probably from fucking too much." Kyle said.

"Whatever. I'm just glad to have my junk back." Cartman said even though, deep down inside, he knew Kyle was right.

After that, they limited their sex to only once a week. It drove both boys crazy, but it stopped Cartman's dick from going on anymore murder sprees.


	2. Chapter 2

(A/N: We all do weird stuff when we're bored. Sometimes, like this time, it turns out beautifully. Enjoy!)

"Meet me up in room 582"

Kyle sighed all up in tha text from Cartman. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They was stayin at a hotel fo' tha weekend cuz of some wack school trip, n' since they arrived on Friday, Cartman had been wantin sex morning, noon, n' night. Kyle didn't mind it at first; Cartman had become bangin' over tha years. Plus his fuckin lil' dick was AMAZING. Unfortunately, tha pain up in his thugged-out ass was not. But dat shiznit was what tha fuck Cartman wanted, n' what tha fuck Cartman wanted, Kyle had ta provide. Well shiiiit, it would be far less awkward if they didn't bust a nut on Kenny n' Stan up in tha room wit dem yo, but dat was one of Cartmanz kinks, and, again, Kyle dealt wit dat shit.

Once again, Kyle strutted ta tha room n' let his dirty ass in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Cartman immediately grabbed him, shovin off his baggy-ass pants n' pullin his ass onto tha bed while humpin' his ass roughly. Da room was dark yo, but Kyle could tell dat Cartman was already straight-up naked-and hard as a rock.

Kyle busted Cartman back, lettin up a soft moan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Cartman pulled away, n' Kyle rolled onto his stomach as his pimp gots tha lube yo. Dude could practically hear tha sound of Cartmanz throbbin cock.

Before tha pleasurable pain of Cartmanz dick up in his thugged-out ass came, Kyle heard a screamin yo. Dude blasted up n' turned on a light yo. Dude saw Cartman holdin a hand over his crotch, n' what tha fuck looked like a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dildo on tha ground next ta his muthafuckin ass. But dis was much too realistic ta be a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dildo...

"MY DICK. MY DICK FELL OFF!" Cartman shouted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. "WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?"

"HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW, biatch? DO I LOOK LIKE A DICK DOCTOR TO YOU?" Kyle shouted back yo. Dude jumped off tha bed n' went ta pick up tha disembodied ding-a-ling. Before his schmoooove ass could, however, tha dick jumped up, rockin tha balls as Nikes. Well shiiiit, it had eyes n' a lil' small-ass grill.

"YOU BIZZNITCH! I DON'T WANNA GO INTO THAT ASS! I NEED SOME VARIETY!" Da dick holla'd, slappin Cartman up in tha face.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Cartman shouted, jumpin up on tha bed.

Kenny n' Stan rushed tha fuck into tha bedroom all up in tha sound of tha yelling. Kenny opened his crazy-ass grill ta rap yo, but before his schmoooove ass could, tha dick jumped up n' landed up in Kennyz grill. Well shiiiit, it went down his cold-ass throat, closin off tha air.

"OH GOD KENNY'S GIVING ME A BLOWJOB!" Cartman holla'd up in absolute disgust.

"DUDE! Don't let mah pimp hit you wit a funky-ass blowjob!" Stan holla'd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude rushed ta Kenny n' started tryin ta give his ass CPR yo, but dat shiznit was no use. Kennyz grill was blue n' da thug was dead as fuckin fried chicken.

Da dick crawled outta Kennyz throat, smirkin at itz handiwork.

Stan grabbed tha dick by tha length, squeezin where tha neck would be if tha dick was a human.

"YOU KILLED KENNY!" Kyle screamed all up in tha dick.

"YOU BASTARD!" Stan screamed all up in tha dick.

"Do I be lookin like I give a gangbangin' flyin fuck?" Da dick holla'd all sassily before it bit Stan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Through tha bite, tha dick busted out a special kind of jizz dat was poisonous, n' Stan quickly collapsed ta tha floor.

"HAHA SUCKERS!" Da dick shouted as it grew a pair of wings n' flew up tha door.

Cartman n' Kyle redressed n' ran afta tha dick ta make shizzle it didn't bust a cap up in any mo' of they playas. They heard a scream comin from tha lobby n' headed there.

"Goddamit, Cartman, can't you control yo' dick at all?" Kyle axed as they ran, referrin ta both tha dickz sudden homicidal actions n' ta tha fact dat Cartman was often too horny.

"Shut up, Jew!" Cartman holla'd.

"Fatass!" Kyle holla'd.

They gots ta tha lobby, n' saw a scene of pure chaos. There was a gangbangin' fucked up fish tank, a funky-ass bunch of dead fish, n' corpses dat looked like they had been choked ta dirtnap or torn up in half lyin all around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da dick was tryin ta land itself up in one of mah thugss ass, n' dat shiznit was covered up in what tha fuck Cartman n' Kyle assumed was ass blood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Da dick landed up in tha personz ass, n' split tha thug up in two.

"DAMN IT!" Cartman holla'd as tha pimpin' muthafucka tried ta catch his fuckin lil' dick.

"Wait!" Kyle holla'd as he ran ta tha lil area of tha hotel wit vendin machines n' ice machines yo. Dude filled up a funky-ass bucket wit ice, n' then went ta tha dick yo. Dude threw tha bucket of ice all up in tha dick, n' it immediately deflated n' fell tha fuck ta tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! It aint nuthin but eyes n' grill was gone, n' dat shiznit was just a aiiight dick.

Cartman picked it up, n' reattached dat shit. "Well... Thatz dis shit." Dude holla'd as he put his baggy-ass pants back on.

"It aint nuthin but probably from fuckin too much." Kyle holla'd.

"Whatever n' shit. I be just glad ta have mah junk back." Cartman holla'd even though, deep down inside, he knew Kyle was right.

After that, they limited they sex ta only once a week. Well shiiiit, it drove both thugs crazy yo, but it stopped Cartmanz dick from goin on no mo' cappin' sprees.


End file.
